Nicholas Kristof ran a contest which ends today about bullying. I love that he decided that American teens were the experts on teen bullying. I know when I was in middle school and being bullied, I would spend my time in class critiquing every one of my teachers' bungling attempts to make it all better. Most of their failings came from the fact that they were more interested in ridding their lives of conflict than of making my life easier or less painful, but they also lacked any understanding of teenage social dynamics and had forgotten what it was like to be a teenager. So I composed lists in my head of things I would do differently when I was a teacher. I'm not sure I'm going to be a teacher anymore (though still a definite possibility), but I still have plenty of ideas on how to stop bullying. I'm technically still a teenager, but I'm three years out of high school and it's possible all my advice is hopelessly out of date. I wrote this as an open letter to teacher, and it's a little didactic (I had a lot of options for format, and I decided against heartwrenching anecdotes from my bully-stricken past), but I like it anyway. Let me know what you think!
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Open Letter to Teachers: Here's How You Actually Stop Bullying
Hey there teachers,
Bullying is complicated, so I don’t blame you for not knowing how to stop it. You’re wrapped up in the immense difficulty of being friendly enough to be liked, strict enough to be respected and spectacular enough to be remembered. That is the job of a teacher, and it’s hard enough to teach the material effectively and walk the tightrope of student perception without getting involved in the nitty-gritty of student interpersonal relationships, especially if you have as much chance of doing harm as good.
Bullying is complicated, so I don’t blame you for not knowing how to stop it. You’re wrapped up in the immense difficulty of being friendly enough to be liked, strict enough to be respected and spectacular enough to be remembered. That is the job of a teacher, and it’s hard enough to teach the material effectively and walk the tightrope of student perception without getting involved in the nitty-gritty of student interpersonal relationships, especially if you have as much chance of doing harm as good.
So here’s what you need to know: students, bullies and
bullied alike, need friends and advocates, and to varying degrees, teachers can
be both. Students who are being bullied are hurt by far more than the words
hurled at them; they are also being harmed by the loneliness of going through
the experience alone. If you see students being bullied, reach out to them
gently, reminding them that the teacher is always available for talking,
comfort and a safe space. Then follow through, listening, giving advice and
affirming that bulling is unacceptable and that it is not a reflection of the
worth of the bullied. And do the same for bullies. Bullies gain social power by
taking it away from others; they could use a friend. As a teacher, as an authority figure but also a
kind presence, you can speak firmly against the behavior of a bully, retreating
not a bit from your position against the bully’s actions while still reaching
out to a student, a child, who might need nothing else than a trusted adult to
remind them that they are a worthwhile person and can be popular and respected
without doing harm.
The advocate aspect of the your role is important,
too. Any time bullying, of any degree, is witnessed, you should make it clear
that such behavior is unacceptable. Importantly, it is the behavior that is
being attacked, not the bully, and the bullied student is not being made a
focus of attention. Rather, the mistreatment of fellow students is simply not
to be tolerated at any time. The fact that the bullying can shift to times and
places where you are not around is to be addressed by being a resource for any
students involved in bullying, even as bystanders, as mentioned above. Students
should know that you can be trusted, and that you will go to the administration
or parents only when necessary, but then without hesitation, for example if
there is any physical violence involved. This fairness and ability to analyze a
situation serves you well when they suspect plagiarism or cheating, and it will
serve you well here.
Bullying is a problem. It hurts children on either
side of conflict as well as those who are not involved, and if it continues to
stymie teachers, then children will have to fend for themselves while facing
treatment that no person, let alone a teenager, should ever have to endure at
the hands of their peers. The job of a teacher already encompasses the roles
necessary to stop bullying; you must only appropriately act on them. No more
excuses. Start now.
